I haven't felt anything at all besides anger, raw and unending for weeks.

I don't really have anywhere else to post this.

If there's a god up there/around there, I could use a little undeserved attention right now.

more:

Long Time, No See

Hey, people... all the various people who aren't reading this... because I'm still the only one who ever did this or checked this...

Went to Temple today. Not really exciting, except at one point during the morning blessings - Blessed are you our God, creater of the universe, blah blah, for making us in your image. Something about that kind of strikes me. Just because we are humanoid doesn't mean that that's what God's "image" is... In fact, the point where I most feel God in the service is always either during the Mourner's Kaddish - all those voices saying the same thing together does it for me - or during R'fuah, a healing prayer by Leon Cohen (I think) that takes the place of Misheberach in my shul on the third Friday of every month. Something about that kind of sense of community is what God has always meant to me.

Look at it this way: God is temperamental (see the Flood in Noah, his complete temper tantrum on top of Mount Sinai, and hisoverreaction to the whole hitting-the-rock thing - of course Moses wanted to show up. Till then, he'd always been the little brother, the underdog. Give him a freaking break). So are humans (no need to cite anything, it's just a given). God is evidentally capable of playing favorites - he obviously favored Noah (again, same stories) and blatantly hated Jonah - he shoved him in a whale. What about that is so different from humans? Nothing.

And yet, we can't show our skin to God, according to traditional Orthodox, at the very least. Why else would women have to sweat in long sleeves and wigs in the heat of summer? I don't get that - I never have. If that part of us - our appearance - is God's image, why is He (It?) so averse to seeing his (in this case, there's just no better word) creations in action (as it were)?

So. "His" "image." Given the fact that he doesn't want to see our skin, and that his personality is basically ours as well, I think those two words in quotes need to be reinterpreted, or at least reconsidered. First of all...

Yes, Adam came first. But does that mean anything? Maybe he only had the idea first. Maybe he was saving boobs and mood swings for later - the best for last! Maybe he was working with Paperback Methodology - though the paperback always comes out after the hardcover, paperbacks are more widely accessible and can become more popular than the hardcover version, which is heavier and more ungainly. Of course, this is not a direct parallel, but both are successful - who's to say that God is a man, complete with a beard and a dick? (Forgive the sacrilige.)

And who's to say God can't be found within common things? Of course we've all said these annoying words "God is in everything and everyone." Excuse me, but blah blah blah. We say plenty of things we don't mean when we're in Temple. Including, by the way: "God is the creator, not the creation," which is a contradiction completely, because of the first phrase we all recite fifteen thousand times.

But I don't even mean things. I mean... experiences. God doesn't have to experience time laterally. He is everywhere, all the time. So...

when someone you've never said more than two words to ("Hi" "Bye") smiles so brightly that the room lights up when you come forward to say two more words - the same ones, actually - isn't that God?

When you're hugging someone because you might be seeing them for the last time (or for a year, whatever), and you both simultaneously decide to squeeze harder, to remember that person as they were at that moment, isn't that God?

When you're on the phone with someone and the conversation stills but neither one hangs up because at that moment, a thousand things are going unsaid, and the silence is beautiful, isn't that God?

When a community comes together to support one person going through a hard time, isn't that God?

When two girls are on a sleepover and they feel comfortable crying to each other, isn't that God?

When a family decides to work together rather than fight to help another branch of the family tree, isn't that God?

When someone who was walking dead is suddenly inspired, isn't that God?

Isn't God actually everywhere?

Isn't it ridiculous to assume God is some old dude with a John-Brown-esque beard floating around in space, looking around, moving his little chess pieces and chortling whenever we make idiots of ourselves? Isn't it ridiculous to assume "God = Zeus" with thunderbolts (that were half-off at God's Favorite Store, if it was a Jewish God :D ) and a toga, frowning at humanity (and if anyone remembers, smiling at his own disgusting debauchery) and waiting for the right moment to strike? Why does religion have to be so much about submission to this tyrant in the sky, instead of being about experiencing life and enjoying the company of others? Why can't it be based on love and hope, rather than fear and despair?

I may sound like a hippie, but that's how I feel. I'm tired of apologizing to God too, the one person (being? Is God even a being?) I should never have to justify myself to.

Anyway, I'm getting picked up in 5, so gotta go. These have been more musings brought to you by Micaela's Insane Mind.

Pan Pipes

Pantheism. I've written about it before: the idea that its not possible for God to be everything... I guess I just want to say more. I read Hillary's post about God and fashion, and, though inspired isn't quite the right way to say it, I guess I wanted to write in here too. I mean, if God is contradictory to fashion, how can God BE fashion? How can God be that nearly self-destructive manner of expression?

The thing that I think Hillary didn't say (and I say "I think" because I haven't actually read hers in its entirety) is that when a dress is made for a person with a near-Barbie figure, people start to hurt themselves to fit in it. I've seen it happen: the two-bites-of-salad-at-lunch-then-"I'm full!"-even-though-you-can-practically-hear-their-stomach-grumbling. I don't get hungry, ever, and when I do, it goes away in approximately 20 seconds, so it doesn't happen to me, though many people think it does... and getting back to the point... how can that be supported by God? How can God sit back, relax in his little bench on the porch and wait for the show to end so He can clap and take a sip of his giant iced tea?

I think that's what most annoys me about high school, and I don't want to sound like one of those stupid books that's like "high school's so hard i don't think i'll survive ahhhhh" because I will, and we all will, and you know what? It's really not all that bad. But it's not all the great either. There are things that happen here... the drugs, and the stress, and the depression because of the stress, and the drugs because of the depression because of the stress... that I can't believe no one Up There would do anything about. I mean... isn't God supposed to protect us or something? I don't get it\. I don't really think I ever will. Just... throwing it out there.

Me, Myself, and I

So you said that this last post should be about us. Wow. That's hard to do, believe it or not. I don't even quite know what "about you" means. Does it mean... compare God feelings before to now? Is it an evaluation of the class? See where the confusion comes rushing in?

At the end of Hebrew School yesterday (still crying about that), my acting class did an only okay job of performing Twist of Faith, which became through the class, my least favorite play. Ever. Anyway, I found myself thinking something along the lines of, "After a whole year of classes, why wasn't this better?" I thought maybe it was the teacher's fault? Maybe it was the class' general lack of talent's fault? Maybe it was the fact that we were all distracted? Maybe, just maybe, it was E, all of the above, and no one had a choice, but it was supposed to turn out that way.

Fate? Destiny? Ususally I think that kind of stuff is complete crap. Stupidity. Idiocy. I could keep going, but I think I'm good. Anyway. My point is that before I stopped and thought about it, I never had any trouble with the concept that things didn't happen because they were supposed to. It used to be the same with God, I guess, but then I took this class and stopped and thought and now I have these questions that I'm not quite sure I want to answer for myself, but I don't see any other choice: questions like, do I actually believe God exists in that six-year-old bearded guy up in heaven way? Why would God let the Holocaust happen? Just... why? Who? Where? How? This may sound stupid, but in my head this is causing damage.

So I guess this post became about sort of what this class has meant to me. And I'm not going to only say thank you, though I will say it later, but I hope that you appreciate what you've done: you've made me think. And that's not necessarily pleasant.

But...

thank you.

Makeup

I think I'm missing something like 3 entries? The only one I actually know the assignment for, or remember any of the information for, was the following. Sorry, Josh :\

My God Poem: [I think that was Hasidism? Unless it was Kabbalah... or if it was Buber?]

A clothesline:
Beliefs hanging, softly
swaying in the gentle
breeze
of faith. Lovingly put up
by an unseen ghost,
but the support for endless amounts
on the connecting line.
It is strong. It is weak.
At any moment it could
break
and
fall.
But it doesn't: it stays
pathetically holding its ground
as it waits for affirmation
of its hope.
The dreams fade over the years,
the harsh sunlight of reality bleaching
its strong naivete and innocence
until it is a watermark on an
impassioned future.

Renew, Reuse, Recycle

Where is there room for renewal in Judaism for you? Sorry, Josh, but this was the wrong question to ask me. Considering I am a Jew from a Reform background, with two parents who believe in Reform Judaism and go to a Reform temple with a Reform rabbi, and in exactly one week I will be performing an exclusively Reform ceremony with all of my Reform friends, I think there's tons of improvement that could be implemented in my branch / denomination of Judaism.

They could stop Confirmation, for example. It's what I'm freaking out about, because it's happening in 7 days... I mean, I will always be a Jew. Confirmation's point is to show that you will be a Jew forever and ever, etc. I WILL ALWAYS BE A JEW. I don't need some silly ceremony involving white robes and wheat to tell me that. I don't focus on that kind of Judaism, so I don't pledge to be a good Reform Jew for the rest of my life. Also, half the kids in my confirmation class, including me, are only doing this ridiculous waste of time and money and resources because after a fight with their parents, they were still ordered to do this stupid thing. That's not a heartfelt oath, and it's almost better that we were honest with the G-dawg and didn't commit to Reform Judaism if we didn't want to.

The Reform service has definite need of improvement. All that English. All the responsive reading. The way that the kids in the back yell and scream and no one says anything because, well, we're reform, it's not a problem. The way that some people say "a service a month! What a commitment!" The way some people deface the books, because, well, we're Reform, we don't care about that stuff anyway. The way people wear crosses for earring because, well, it looks all punk, and well, we're Reform Jews, we don't care about that stuff. The way non-Jews can go onto the bimah and give the Torah blessing just because they're married to a Jew and raised Jewish kids (I'm all for intermarriage and I don't think they should be discriminated against, but aliyah [sp]? Seriously?). There's room for improvement there.

Then there's Reform Judaism in general: The shield we can hide behind. Do you know how many times I have heard "Oh, well... we're Reform." I hear it when talking about why people aren't kosher, why they don't go to shul, why they don't ever eat Jewfood - brisket or gefilte fish or any of the mile-long list of desserts. I hear it when people don't have a bar mitzvah, or when my aunt, a non-Jew, had an aliyah [sp] at my evil cousin's bar mitzvah. I hear it too much. It has become unacceptable.

Again, I'll try to add more opinionated views to this post if I can, but I'm at work so that could be hard.

A Paradoxical Kind of Logic

Poets adore paradoxies. Oxymorons. Two words than cannot resolve themselves with each other. Somehow, that kind of impossibility lets them express the torture happening inside their head, or whatever.

Burning ice.
Dryest rain.
Beggarly riches.

Somehow, Religion and Science don't seem to fit into the depth that the above present for contemplation. Religion and Science are just two different ways of looking at the world. They don't need reconciliation or to hold hands and dance, they just need to peacefully coexist. So why is it that people have such trouble understanding both, and accepting both, equally?

Religion is illogical. It requires blind faith and the total trust that your fate is in someone else's hands. Well, that doesn't make sense. If I press one more key on the keyboard, I'll have made that choice myself. But science requires that we all understand the complexities of things we, as normal common folk might not understand. I can't split atoms in my bedroom, and I can't dissect a human body and discover what's inside whenever I feel like it, so it can be difficult to trust scientists to tell us what's "really" going on. Of course, this is all very literal.

Human beings are logical: Before homo sapiens had the means to figure out the "truth," how was the sky blue? How were we created: how did we get here? These are things we couldn't explain... but a god could. The god of rain explained why there was a sudden shower of water from the sky every once in a while, and the god of the harvest explained why sometimes humans had the bad luck of not getting any food. Then along came our good friend Abe, who said something along the lines of "These are fake, there's only one God." We all saw the light, OMG... fast forward to much, much later in time, when suddenly the Holocaust is going on, and people wonder, as seen in Night [brainwashed by Zev "Crackhead" Shanken, sorry], that how could God exist and let people die? Science is reliable, never unpredictable. There is a composed set of possible reactions. It is stable. That's why it's so popular, I think.

It's hard to reconcile two opposites, but it is possible to see a pendulum effect:

A: Religion
B: Something bad happens. How could God do this?
C: Science
D: Science becomes hard to understand
E/A: Religion
B
C, etc.

It's not hard to see why religion is a fallback. God is there. God will help. Ozone layer? No problem. Afterlife? His pleasure! [I'm not just talking about Judaism here.] However, and this is where personal opinion comes in, I think that steps D and E are becoming longer, and the A step is becoming weaker. Steps B and C are becoming shorter. As humans, logical beings, and with the technology, education and resources available to us, step D is almost non-existent, replaced perhaps with D2: Science becomes annoying. [Well, it does.]

I don't know if any of this made any sense, but my class period is over. TTYL, bbz.