Unnecessary

I know we weren't assigned a blog this week, but I need to ask something to this religious blog anyway. I was discussing with my mom a conversation she'd had with our old rabbi, that you can't be a Jew without believing in God. This seems like an extremely logical conclusion, I mean... Judaism... religion... etc. But recently, I've been thinking. It's not that so much shit has been happening to me lately, and not as much as happens to my friends, but still. I guess I should stop stalling, but it sounds so sacreligious, and blasphemous, and wrong. I'm not sure, and probably haven't been for a while, that there really is a God. Or not in the way I've always been taught to think. I think God is necessary, as something to believe in, as a reason [I took that one from Ingrid's blog] to study and learn and pray and do good, but is there really a big man upstairs who looks at the blueprints of our lives and takes the Holy Pencil and Eraser and edits every once in a while? Is there really someone looking down, nodding his head on his big armchair, enjoying the show? Is there really someone who created the Earth, through evolution or not?

The thing is, I'm a Jew. I'm a Jew because I'm Jewish, I like kugel, I come out with random Yiddish sometimes. I have curly hair and I pinch pennies. I eat a lot, I cerlebrate Passover, and fast on Yom Kippur, and fall asleep during Rosh Hashana services. I cry at the mere mention of the Holocaust and get offended when someone jokes about my Jewishness, unless they're Jewish. I think everyone is an anti-Semite if they're mean to me [sort of]. I go to Temple, though not as much as others. My family is extremely important, I get okay grades, my family has a patriarch, though not with a beard and a large gut. Our seders are loud. Our get-togethers are chaotic. We eat dessert like it's going out of style. You get it. I'm a Jew. But I'm thinking it's the religious part that's suffering somehow, and I think I, like everyone else, needs something to believe in. I mean, I will always believe there are things out of my power, but recently I've found that I find it hard to believe in something I don't understand. I know God isn't supposed to be understood, but fairness comes in again. I can't feel that God can know everything about us, and that we're just wandering around with blindfolds on, waiting for them to be taken off, but having our hands tied behind our backs so we can't take the blindfold off, even if we wanted to! If that's what God thinks is best for us, I think he has to reevaluate the situation.

Then again, I've never thought it was fair that I got my screenname when I was nine, and my brother got his a year later, when he was six. I've never thought it was fair that just because my brother runs faster that I can't get the best free samples at the supermarket, just because I have a knee problem. Come to think of it, I've never thought that I had a knee problem and my brother didn't was fair. So why did all that happen?

I'm confused about this, but it's not something I feel comfortable going to my own Rabbi about, and I'm not sure I would even if I did feel comfortable. I feel better about my jewschool people, be they fellow students or even you, Josh. So if you're looking at this blog, looking at this post, please say something, anything. I don't want to just drift.